Wow Things Have Changed

Hey,

    I thought I should write one again. I haven't written anything in a long time. Things have changed a lot since I last posted. First I got married to the love of my life Stephen in July 11th, 2009. Also we are expecting our first our little girl in May of this year. We are both so excited for her to make her appearance. It's just amazing how things change.

                                        Kk

It Hurts...Physically Hurts

Hey,

       Well, I love having facebook don't get me wrong but I don't like it when I have some friends who say something on my wall that other people can take wrong. It's my facebook wall and I only accept you as my facebook friend so that we can talk and hang out. I posted a status that said, "I love getting "I love you" txt." One of my guy friends said, "Your Welcome." Now, I know he was joking and my husband who knows him knows he was joking. But people that don't know that guy friend would start to think something is up. So I sent him a message a private message on facebook telling him not to post such things on my facebook because people would get the wrong idea of the situation.

       The next morning I recieved two text messages at six in the morning. I know both of these people know that I am usually sound asleep still at six in the morning. They are engaged to each other and one of them sent me a message saying, "I love you." The other which happened right after it said, "I love you too." So when I offically woke up I sent both of them messages saying I didn't enjoy getting a text message. I was careful with my words, I wasn't upset that they sent me a txt at six in the morning. I didn't enjoy being woken up though. I have warned several of my friends not to txt until after noon because it wakes me and my husband up. I also said that what was going on with the other friend and myself was none of their business because it was done with and over with.

      I then of course got a rude message back saying that facebook was a public thing. It had other things in it which I just shrugged my shoulders. I understand facebook is a public thing but I do recall that to write on my facebook wall you must be friends with me. Also I was saying that I didn't like what he wrote and explained it to him. Sometimes people need to know what they say can be taken wrong. I was nice about it and am not angry about it at all. Not even angry at the other two people.

    What gets me is that one of them apart of the couple decides to delete me from her friends list. Which to tell the truth hurts my feelings because I wasn't upset and I just explained my reasoning behind the whole thing. If they didn't send me the txt message at six in the morning then something weird happened at that time. Or perhaps I was dreaming of it. I did clear my messages right after it happened though as it filled my inbox. It just hurt that this girl took me off her friends list. I thought we were better friends then that but I guess I was wrong.

   I guess, I just need to move on. I guess what is really upsetting me right now is that she didn't let me know why she was upset because in my own point of view I was not angry in anyway in my message. Since she is subscribed to me. Please tell me how I was rude if at all in the message because I was just letting you know like I do with several of my friends who call me at six in the morning.

   To thoughs who tell me, "Just shut your phone off at night." I can't shut my phone off at night. One of my friends is goign through suscide mode and needs me sometimes in the middle of the night. So she calls me so that's why the phone is on in the middle of the night.

                                                                     Kk

P.S. Bloodsucker: Not sure how I upset you. But I am sorry...please explain.

I am hurt and in pain....

Hey,

      So yesterday, I recieved my xanga email like normal and noticed that one of my dearest friends posted on hers. I started to read it because I was interesting on what was going on in her life. I started to read that she was making fun of one of her friends wedding dress and tried my hardest to figure out who's dress she was making fun of. Since I got married last July, I felt like it was my own wedding dress she was making fun of. I started to cry that she thought that I looked like a peacock and it did not look good on me and it was ugly. then saw that she said the wedding was a red neck wedding. I was upset because the beautiful wedding that I pictured that I had was out the window. I thought my wedding was beautiful considering it was in a gym of my church so I could have pictures of it. But I thought it was beautiful and I felt beautiful.

     Then I got to the last part of her post and she was saying things to me. That I can't complain that my husband and I don't have money to spend on our first anniversery if I don't have a job. I was pissed and decided that I needed to talk to someone anyone...I called my friends and no one answered. I realized how alone I felt. I felt like I was alone in the world around me. Finally, one of my friends called me back and calmed down some what until my husband got home. I was in my weird quiet mood and distant. He of course wanted to know what was wrong...finally I broke down...he wanted to fix it and sent the girl a nasty message before i could talk to her. So here is what I am going to say to her.

Bloodsucker,

   I am sorry for the message that my husband has sent you. He was trying to make me feel better just like you have done in the past to other people as you recall. I told him not to get into it but as I was taking a shower it wasn't going to stop him. i didn't know until you sent me the message. Things in my life has been hectic. I am dealing with a lot at the moment. Number one. I am looking for a job so far only jobs that I can actually do aren't anywhere in sight. But I have kept looking and the reason it can only be a summer job is because Stephen doesn't want me to work during the school year. It will cause me to over stress and cause my RA to be horrible.

   My mom is dying is another thing that I am dealing with. Her immune system crashed a week ago and it hasn't been better yet. The doctors don't know what's going on and her nerves are very heighten where she can't move or be touched without being in a lot of pain. I can't even go see her at the moment because I am sick. I can't let her get sick or be a lone. Plus been having huge fights with her because she believes she has no one who cares about her. No matter what I say to her will make her feel better.

   Another thing is Scott threatened Christy and her kids. He said that if she tries to leave with Abbi he will take Abbi and set the house on fire. He has also threaten many other things. At the moment Stephen and I are the only one who knows about this. We are on pins and needles as of lately because our little apartment might have four more people enter it as this is where Christy will go if it gets to bad. Also we have been trying to find something on line that will let her take the car since it's in Scott's name. Also trying to protect her when she takes Abbi because at the moment she scared that he will get full custody of her.

  Last thing is my RA is horrible. I can't move very well at all. Haven't been able to for a month. I don't know what's going on. The only thing that's been helping is me sleeping all day. So right now there no way that I can work a job because of my RA is overwhelm sore.

  Like I said we need to talk...because you don't understand on what else is going on in my life. I am working on looking for a job but right now it's kind of on hold as i can't move. You haven't seen me or talk to me in awhile so you don't understand where I am at. I do love you like a friend. I am sorry you feel like I need to be punched in the face. The reason why your entry upset me so much is that I was so excited to have you down here in emporia because I thought I was going to be all alone and have no girl talk what's so ever...then when I saw you were moving down here I got excited...but the entry upset me and it made it seem like you don't want to be my friend or listen to my complains as I have listened to some of yours. I am sorry...

                                                          Kk

Work and School...or Just School ?

Hey,

      What is it with my friends trying to push me to get a job while I am focused on college. I can barely handle going to classes as it is. I can't do a full-time job as well unless it's babysitting where I can still study and do my homework. I had a job while I was in class and got all C's because I didn't have time to be social let alone get good grades in class. My husband wants me to focus on school only and I believe he is right. I need to focus on school. Plus if I get a job say goodbye to my husband because i will never be home when he is home. With my schedule for my classes and his schedule for work we only get two hours at most during the week. Not to mention he works most weekend nights as well. That's not healthy for our marriage at all. I should have the ability to see him and if he says he doesn't want me to work during school semister then I can agree. I am already at my wits end with college...I will be entering my fifth year of college and I am still taking the dreaded classes that I need to do so I can do my major classes. I get bored in them and I don't slack off but forget the thigns that we talk about. I need to focus on school...why can't they understand that.

                                                                                             Kk

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!

Hey,

     So lately somethings been bothering me. I haven't been able to smile as of lately and I don't know what's going on. I am so happy with Stephen but lately things are making me depressed. I am not sure what's going on. It could be different each day of things that are bothering me. Today, it would be the fact that I made the mistake on looking through some of my friends albums and to see them with their little ones. I can't forget the fact that there's a chance that I can't have children and I am scared to find that out. My husband said, "We could adopt..." Most likely we would but I feel this need to carry a baby inside of me. I want that feeling and I have wanted to be a mother since I was sixteen. I had a whole plan that i was going to carry out. To get married and then start trying to have a baby.

   A lot of my friends are saying wait till your done with college but I watch friends going to college and they have a child they do just fine. I can't convince my husband though he thinks I would be more stressed out. But in reality I wouldn't be as stressed out as i am now. I told him that if we could have one right now then wait to have the others that we planned then I would be fine. I feel empty inside. I am not that much religious but I know that this feeling isn't just my mind telling me. I feel like I am suppose to be a mother that I am suppose to have these feelings because that's what suppose to happen. But I can't figure out how to convince that of my husband. I have tried to reason with him by saying, "How about if I get stright A's we will try for just one month?' Which surprising me he agreed. Of course I had two classes that weren't A's this semister...I am so sick of feeling this feeling....

When I hold my nieces or nephews or even kids that I babysit and I think what if these were my children how would I feel...I just want to be a mother...is that so wrong.

                                                            Kk